Have you ever suffered a breakup? How was the experience? Are you ready for another one? Or maybe you just got served your breakup notice, and you are trying to heal up and be ready for duty or danger?
If you may be hurting in one way or another, I will take this time to sincerely tender my words of comfort to you. I’m sorry that a ‘nice’ person like you had to go through such an unpleasant emotional tide. It will be alright. You can always bounce back and stand tall. What I want to tell you now may sound like a motivational quote, but it is not; “You are special.” You are special, but either you don’t know how, or you have assumed it.
I have not only purposed to write on the hot topic of heartbreaks, but many of my audience have sent requests, asking me to say something about this unpleasant yet disturbing reality. I have my personal experiences and pains that could have formed a basis for discussion, a few friends have confided in me and sought my counsel to help them soothe their breaking hearts, but all these have not provided sufficient basis to make my pen meet the paper. So what has made the difference?
The last week of August 2021 was quite eventful. This is especially real to someone concerned about what takes place in and around Kenyatta University. It has to do with an unnamed gentleman and a lady by the name of Venessa. I saw a video trending on social media, and the setting was in one of the student restaurants. Our man in this situation was presented to be shouting at the top of his lungs, accusing Venessa of betrayal, and he finished with a firm and decided conclusion, “I’m done with you!” Maybe you can see the footage here if you have not had the privilege:
When I saw the video, my first impression was that it was a stunt. The mess is not the place to serve a break-up notice. My reasons for this included the setting and the practice. In most cases, men are reluctant to open up on their failed relationships, and they only do it to a few trusted friends. Men are known to give their pain silent treatment. But when Venessa’s sweetheart went mad, it was a cause of concern. You see, a man can go through a heartbreak without even his roommate getting to know, especially if they stay together out of circumstances and not because of voluntary choice. In most cases, when a little drama is caused, it could be a sign of severe mental and psychological effects that the victim cannot handle. The voltage with which the message of doom came, demanded more emotional and psychological resources than one can marshall at the moment.
Also, another video followed presenting the big man to be having a good time worshipping in a tune of the “gospel of Jah.” He moved on too soon! This was incongruent with the morose and disconsolate man that we saw on his announcement the other day. I don’t mean to say it is impossible to move on quickly, but I didn’t expect it from him. Otherwise, I am happy that he is working on himself and not choosing to lie down and die. It is the second video that gave me the confidence to talk about him boldly.
All these are great lessons for us. This may not mean something to those who have not survived a breaking heart. But for those who have tasted it, you can testify that one heartbreak is enough. You don’t need another one.
The most painful thing with these breakups is not the breakup themselves, but how they are done. Most people break up via text, social media, announcing the replacement, or outright denial. Some try finding an excuse for falling out by deliberately creating trouble; then, they leave without solving it while their partner is pained into breaking down. Others just disappear like a shooting star, and you will never see them again. In most cases, these crude ways of terminating romance are the basis for the pains of it. The victims are forced to log out when they are not ready, and the result is what the millennials call premium tears.
This will lead us to the most important question we are seeking to handle in this piece:
Is there a Better Way to Break a Relationship?
I want to say that all breakups hurt, but we can choose to make them less painful. There is a better way to end a relationship than we usually do.
The first thing is to understand that breaking up is not always evidence of failure or moral lapse. Sometimes it is necessary simply because two people are just not compatible. For instance, if you get the best fish and the best hawk in a romance, it is an obvious recipe for disaster. Where are they going to meet, what are they going to discuss, where are they going to live if they get married? The two may need to sever this union, and this is no evidence of moral failure.
Secondly, you need to know precisely why you are moving out of that relationship. You need to be clear that, “I am campaigning for the termination of my relationship with individual Q because of this and this.” If you cannot clearly state why you are seeking or brewing a breakup, you should still be in that relationship. You just have a challenge of average human beings who always think the grass is greener across the fence. Focus on your partner, and you will realise how special they are. You should know you will need to adjust everywhere. If there is a place that does not need a spirit of adventure, it is the dating scene.
Thirdly, find a suitable space and time to talk over your issues. You have spent some time with someone, and you feel there are important matters that you cannot ignore. It is okay for you to feel so. Look for them and go through the inconvenience of telling them the truth. Don’t bring social media into this. When it was good and thriving, you always met them face to face and went places. They deserve to be respected still, even if the evidence is like that of the recording angel. So no texts, no emails, but a personal talk with eye contact and seriousness deserved. Please don’t break up on Facebook!
Number four has to do with the result of your discussion. After having your talk, then take a unanimous decision based on the evidence tabled. If you call it quits, you take it firmly but with respect. Recognise their contribution to your growth. Add a little colour with the precious memories and thank them for the privilege of allowing you into their life. After this, you must excuse yourself and leave decently. Don’t hurt them. If possible, you can maintain friendship with reasonable boundaries. Check on their welfare. Wish them well in life. Sometimes termination and complete blackout may work for some people or some situations. Find what works best for you and stick to it.
When it is done, terminate it. And begin working on yourself. Don’t repeat the same mistakes in the next relationship. Pick the lessons and go through the healing process. ‘Missments’ will come, especially on your high moments, and because we are creatures of habits, but you must not give mixed signals. Accept your new status and grow.
This may not be the best script for ending a toxic relationship, but whichever way you will choose, just know that there is a better way to end a relationship. Maybe you could share your method with us if you have a better one.